Tuesday 16 August 2011

Benjamin Koifman, hedge fund fraudster, goes to prison for five years

More than five years. Because he did terrible things. He admits, himself, that he did terrible things. Koifman ran A.R. Capital Global Fund LP, with a confederate - not on his own. They got roughly seventy investors to invest roughly $20 million in the ARC Global Fund by making false statements about it. Now Benny's in prison. His confederate will join him soon. No one knows where the money is. Well, it has probably been spent.

We all do terrible things. That's the tragedy. If you're breathing, you're doing terrible things. Only the dead are without sin.

Don't you wish you were without sin, dear sinner? It can be arranged. I'm very close to God. All I've got to do is have a word in His ear. And you should see His ear. It's massive. If there's a bigger ear in the entire universe, I'll be very surprised. Extremely surprised. In fact, surprised like I've never been surprised.

You're probably wondering: has he ever been surprised? Unfortunately, nothing surprises me. [I wish "something" did.] So I have never been surprised. A bigger ear than God's ear would surprise me. However, it's unlikely we'll ever find a bigger ear than God's. And He needs His big ear. He's got a lot of people to listen to - moaners and wimps, mainly. He gets the odd spiritual aristocrat, like myself. But that's rare. It's normally weak people who want something from Him. They need a crutch.

Oh, I was weak, once. That time I got all fucked up with nightmares from the chaos. I had to go to bed clutching the Bible and the Bhagavad-gita. But it was my astrologer who cured me. So ... God didn't have anything to do with it. No, that's a lie. Obviously, my astrologer spoke to God on my behalf. That was in the old days, when I wasn't so close to Him.

I'm still a sinner though. Fortunately, God cuts me some slack. It doesn't make sense punishing a spiritual aristocrat for minor infractions of the LAW when there are so many goofballs around who don't even believe in Him.

The worst is yet to come for Benny and his confederate.