Wednesday 3 June 2015

James Zimmerman is the manager of the Jupiter UK Smaller Companies fund

YES!!! / Yes, yes, er, uh ... James "Dylan" Zimmerman has just been promoted. Nice and simple! 'Yippee!' He was an assistant fund manager. Now he's the full-blown thing: a fund manager. 'Amazing!' There's only £60 million in his Jupiter UK Smaller Companies fund, but that doesn't matter. You have to start small, real small, and our Bobby, I mean, Jimmy, is just a kid.

Actually, there is a bit of confusion. 'Oh dear.' There seems to be two of him, our Jimmy, who have, er, worked at Jupiter. 'What, boss?!' There was a James "Dylan" Zimmerman who used to work at Jupiter a couple of years ago as an analyst. However, he's in New York now working for Rockefeller and Company. Our James is ... this James, Jupiter James, well, was ... an assistant fund manager. 'Christ! No, Mikey, they're the same guy!' Who are?! 'James and James. Jimmy and Jimmy. Bobby and Bobby!' Bobby? Not according to this LinkedIn profile I'm looking at, man. 'Dylan hasn't updated it, that's all. It's the same guy.' Well, well, dear reader(s) ... I am so confused.

Let's see if I can contact my mate Stephen Pearson to clear things up. 'On the phone?' No, the astral plane. 'You don't do that no more, boss.' Shut up, Voice! I still have the gift.

Hello! Hello, Stephen. Yes, Mikey, what do you want? I'm in a meeting. Fuck your meeting, man! I want to know what's going on with James "Dylan" Zimmerman. Are there two of him? Of course not, Michael. But let me explain something to you. I had my doubts about Jimmy, yeah? And I still have them. However, "they" told me that he had to be the full-blown thing: a fund manager, you dig? I mean, the boss said to me, "YOU(!) ... just what do you do anyway? Ain't there nothing you can say? He'll be standing on the bar soon with a fish head and a harpoon. And a fake beard plastered on his brow. You'd better do something quick. He's your fund manager now." Ha! Well, Stephen, you're the head of investments, son. Tell me about it, Mikey!

Tell him about it? 'Ha!' Oh, I'm not going to tell him about it, dear reader(s). [Bye bye, Stephen! Bye!] He should know all about his own job. What a crazy cat! 'More confusion, boss!' Yes, Voice, even more confusion! I'm starting to regret this post. / Never mind. It's finished! All over! Thank God!